Sunday, November 7, 2010

birth story

It has been some months since my last post. Some how after working really long and hard durning pregnancy followed by having the most fun baby to spend my days with I forgot the email address and password I had set this blog up with. Thats probably the best reason for not blogging possible.

Linden is 5 months old, life is sweet and the info to log in just came to me! So I'm back.

I better rewind just a few months ago. I was 40 weeks pregnant and home, expecting every minute to be the minute that it would happen and I would go into labor. Every day that week I woke up and thought for sure it would be the day. I never made plans later than lunch time because I 'knew' baby W would have to be on its way by dinner. My due date had come and gone. My mom was here from Oklahoma waiting with me (after all she was really here to see the baby) My dear friend Brandi was in the wings as anxious as I was to come be apart of our home birth. And then there was Jared, so peaceful, so calm, no worries, as always. We played card games in the middle of the night to keep my mind off of counting the hours when I was too uncomfortable to sleep. But we really wanted to finally meet our baby.

41 weeks and a day. It happens. 3AM my first contraction. I woke up Jared and told him that this was it. We were so excited. We jumped out of bed, made breakfast, straightened up the house, watched the sun rise. We were giddy! There is a reason God programed some first time mommies to carry past their due date, those last few days got me so pumped to be in labor, I was literally saying all morning "bring it on" every contraction that came I thought 'yesss, this is it' and after it was over I would look at Jared and smile because it was really happening, it was real labor, and we knew that in a matter of hours we would be meeting this baby.

5AM one of our midwives came over to check my dilation after 2 hrs of labor I was at a wopping 2 cm. This wasn't bad news. Its normal to dilate 1 cm an hr. So we were happy with our check up. She told us that I was way too calm and not showing signs of being in active labor so not to expect that my cervix would jump from 2 cm to 8 cm in the next couple of hours. Of corse our next question was how will we know when I'm active. She assured me I would know, my calm state would change and there would be no questions about if I was or not. She left and we were home the two of us resting, watching funny youtube clips, eating, walking... 5am turned to 12pm and I felt the same. Contractions every 3-4 min, but bearable. 2pm my family comes over, they just couldn't stand it. They imagined any second the baby would pop out and they didn't want to miss it. 5pm, contractions are a little more intense, but I'm still calm. 7pm, woah has it really been 14 hrs already? Our midwives came over to see what the heck is happening. After watching me go threw a few contractions they determine I'm still pretty controlled but lets see whats happening with my progress, I'm 4cm. seriously?! 3am to 7pm and only 2 more centimeters I've dilated?! Thats really slow. I tried so hard not to break down with discouragement. But come on baby will you please come today!

Our midwives gave me exactly what I needed they promised me that I was strong, and capable, that Jared was in it with me, I wasn't alone, that I WAS doing it and that they were now going to stay with us until baby came. Soon after that check up things really started moving. 8pm the sun set, labor got much more intense and thanks to the 4cm let down, I was totally welcoming these big hard contractions. The harder these contractions got the happier I was because this means my baby is coming. And heck yes they were painful but things were finally changing so hallelujah, bring it! We worked hard. I say we because the way Jared participated with me was indescribable. Every time I remember that day I fall in love with him all over again. He was so present. He kept his eyes locked on my face and was just as focused as I was. He was every where I needed him to be and we were one intimate team taking every moment of our birth together, I was never alone. He was so strong.

From 9pm to 5am I found out what labor was all about. It was a forceful pain like I had never experienced, it was sharp and dull, it was long and hard and I wanted it to end. But after every contraction I was still alive. Every time it got harder, when that was over, I was that much more courageous. After each contraction I was closer and then closer again so I welcomed it. I knew I was doing it. My body was made to do exactly what it was doing. I had to welcome each moment and not allow fear to be present not in my room or my mind. This type of focus was exhausting. Eventually I began to sleep in between contractions. One would come, I would wake up, moan the deepest guttural from the bottom of my belly moan, it would get more intense, I would breath and then it was over. I would open my eyes to smile at my team in my bed room then I would go back to sleep until the next one came.

I looked out the window of my bedroom and I saw the most beautiful dawn. I had said through out my pregnancy that I wanted to birth watching the sun rise, there I was finally 10 cm and the sun rose. This was the second sun rise I witnessed while in labor. Brandi was wiping my brow and pinning my hair back I remember looking at her love and compassion for me in that moment, it gave me motivation. I can still hear my moms camera beeping every 3 min as she recorded every single contraction, but mostly I hear her repeating the name of Jesus over and over. I will never forget the look on my dads face as he watched his own baby. I knew he was proud of me (thats the best feeling a girl can own.) He held on to the the babies hat waiting to put it on that tiny head, he really wanted the work to be over and his baby to be ok. Leslie was griping Brandi holding on to her with crazy amounts of love for that moment. That was the day her family grew and she had so much love for this baby about to come. Jared, oh Jared. He was my partner, I looked at him and knew I was seeing someone who had been in every second with me. I saw the story on his face telling me how far we had come. He wore confidence and peace, he knew I was doing it, and this was exactly what God had written for us. I took some time to take in everyone there with me. I was entirely sober, felt everything that was happing in the room with my loved ones and with my baby. This is what I had been praying for, what I had dreamed about, and it WAS everything I had wanted.

6am-9am pushing. This is a long time to push. My team was there with me, watching and praying every push I pushed. At one point around 2 hrs into pushing my midwives asked everyone to leave the room except Jared. They changed my position and looked me in the face, they told me I was strong, powerful and that the baby will come. I soaked that encouragement up. After I found the right place for me to push, the midwives held a mirror for me to see what was happening. Something is actually happening! Every push I started to see the smallest amount of this babies head. I invited my team back in and there we all were. This moment turned my parents and Brandi into a cheer squad. My exhaustion became excitement. I needed them there doing exactly what they were. Someone says "your baby has hair" someone says "almost its almost here" then "keep doing what your doing" I had to take another snap shot of this and as I was pushing this baby out I looked around at every person there. There is NOTHING like the emotion on a persons face as they watch a baby coming into the world. What I gift I had given to myself, I had no idea how much my team there would change me. Jared held his hands open as if he was receiving a gift wrapped in a package. His face, oh his face, he had joy like I had never witnessed in my life. Within a few minutes of seeing this babies hair we were looking at its entire head. One more push, Jareds hands were the first to touch its skin, one last push and he catches its whole body. Jared is the first to hold her and as he brings her to my chest for me to meet my baby my mom yells "its a girl!"

This moment is of corse, heavenly. I knew that all of heaven was smiling down on my bedroom. I knew I had witnessed a miracle. I knew that this life coming into the world changed my everything. It was instant, an awe and wonder for a girl that was my own. I saw a new Jared, a dad. I saw my heart wrapped up in a tiny little body that to me was the most beautiful person because she was Jared and I.

The room was exploding with tears, hugs, laughter and I think everyone will admit, relief. After a few minutes of exploring our baby GIRL Brandi asks "What's her name?" Jared was crying and shook as he finally said "Her name is Linden Rain." Again more tears and smiles my house was filled with the presence of the Holy Spirit washing us all in love. We couldn't remember a worry in the world or the past 32 hours of labor. I held Linden on my chest from the second she arrived and for her first hour of life on the outside. Every one sat next to me meeting her for the first time. Eventually Linden was measured and weighed at 19 inches, 7.12 pounds.

She was perfect and now made me a mommy.

Linden gave me a great pregnancy and a beautiful birth. I loved every second of it because its the process that brought her into my world. Having a daughter is everything I didn't know I needed. Loving her is effortless and uses every once of my heart. She makes me realize how I am loved as a daughter. Knowing that I can only love Linden at a fraction of what God does who IS love, I realize how extravagant he really is.

Monday, January 25, 2010


Those who really know me take me serious when I say everything, I mean everything in me is on that wheel that is re-shaping molding and changing.

A song that has been an anthem of mine these past few weeks from Daniel Bashta called Christ in me says " brokenness is what i want, do a work here in my heart."

This Christmas my church did a sorta series about generosity. Although very simple, these four weeks in December were extremely influential to Jared and I. Our pastor outlined what our lives would look like if we thought about our finances the way the gospel instructs us to. It lit a fire inside of me that really shed light on the areas that I needed to re- think.

I have always had this desire to live simply, real and authentic. To chase after what is of the spirit and live deeply in it. I have also always had a yucky pull toward the exact opposite, every thing material, carnal and fake what fades and turns to ash. This has been my internal battle against myself and what motivates me.

We realized that even most of our so called giving is done very selfishly. This Christmas Jared and I decided to take what we would have given each other and really give. For us that meant to give away, to something that we believed in and had a need and that was not in our direct line of benefit. I look at Jesus when he tells us to give freely because we have freely received and I am in awe of that. Mostly because I can admit that there is not much of "free giving" in our lives. Giving that is with out an agenda, with out expectations or entitlement, real giving away.

This was so real to us. It was that big jab that allowed my desire to follow after what is real win against its battle with the carnal man.

This tiny victory set in motion a number of things in our lives to be re- worked. As we felt the truth ring in our hearts over this generosity and real giving subject it became clear to us that the gospel is so clear in instructing us to live our lives simply so that we have the space to have a constant flow of generosity. ALL THE TIME. So realistically for me, if I loved my neighbor like I do myself I would also budget for neighbors like I do myself.

Its quite amazing when we count our needs simply our needs, not including all of our wants. Jared has this God given nature to live simple and for that I am so so very great full, just this morning he said to me"babe its not ours anyway."

I love the timing of this process that is changing me. I love that in the very time of my life I should be tempted to nest in all of the accessories women feel are necessary to become a mom Im setting my focus on what I have freely received, what I have in him and my husband and what are my needs; air, a roof, health, life, love, support.
So what can I freely give?


Saturday, December 5, 2009

The Author of Life

The first time I went to the book store to pick up the library necessary to be pregnant, I shared the aisle with two 12 year old girls. I was browsing threw the "What to Expect When Your Expecting" books and they were looking at the "Name" books talking over what names they will choose for their kids.

I loved it, it brought me back. I remember thinking about names, imagining who I would marry, where I would be and who would be in my life. It really doest seem that long ago that I was guessing at what it would be like

I've said this several times in my life, if I ever feel like my life is mundane or mediocre, I look at the people that surround me, my friends, my family, the people that chose me and then I know that their is NO way this life of mine is mundane. Mostly because of how much I admire the ones that I share life with.

I have three amazing friends who have bran new babies little Bean, Max and Sophia all under the precious age of 4 months! These new mommies and daddies are a God send to Jared and I. We go to a church in which our pews make up the average age of 28. Out of our amazing church community we have several expecting couples. Two of which were in Jared's wedding party. That makes two of Jared's best friends daddies this year right along side of him, one of which is due in the same month! Today I got the best news that a friend of mine, who will remain anonymous, could give me she said that her and her husband were officially trying to make another baby!

So these are the answers to my 12 year old questions;

Who will I marry: my best friend, hero, the best lover.
Where will I be: the most perfect time in life, I couldn't have planned it if I had tried.
Who would be in my life: every one I need, and more than I would hope for.

In admiration of the best author of life.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Thankful for nausea

As I tried to wrap my mind around what was ahead of me in the next 40 weeks I had my hopes but had no idea what really was to come. What I ran into was 3 months of nausea 80% of every single day. I tried my best not to complain. I knew that I wasn't contagious, that it wouldn't go away, it was there all day every day so there is only one thing to do, I had to bare it and keep going.

Im very happy that my husband is patient and emotionally stable for the both of us when I'm not because I had many a breakdown at the end of the night when I had felt nausea for 48 yea 72 hours straight.

Im brought to this moment now December 1, at the beginning of my 15 weeks of pregnancy and here is a new day for me.

Thanksgiving was a week ago and there was a glow, a presence of gratitude for every blessing we have. This gift inside of me was on the top of our list. That day had a special case of a strong stomach with no sickness at all. I was a little suspicious of how great I felt in comparison to the past 14 weeks. I assumed it was due to all of the joy and thanks I was basking in and really wanting it to be constant. I was crossing my fingers but trying not to get my hopes up that the feel good tummy was here to stay. Then came the next day, and the next day and the next day of no sicky!

Oh God, thank you.
I turned a corner and in my second trimester found tummy rest.

There is nothing like being sick for 3 months except not being sick for the first time in 3 months. Im looking back and realizing that being uber sick in the past has made me extreamly thankful for every single moment I have now. When I wake up and Im not sick, oh wow the joy! When I have an appetite for lunch oh yes, such enjoyment! When 6PM comes and Im not pooped, dear Lord this is great!

Hunger, bring it on, exhaustion, no problem, pregnant bran, sure I'll take it with gratitude, I'm sincerely joyous, growing this babe at week 15 is a new level of excitement.

Although the average onlooker may not detect the baby that is the size of an orange, about 4 1/2'' long in my belly, I hope they see a very pleasant happy lady that has all the thanks I could possibly contain.

Happy to be growing you baby W.


Thursday, November 26, 2009

Thanksgiving November 26, 2009

This Thanksgiving is much different than any other, this year I'm married to the man I always wanted and sharing this holiday with my partner in life is a great joy.

As if that's not enough at the moment I'm at my Dad and Leslie's house with my best friend on my side and a baby in my belly (which is pretty much showing.)

Lets go there...

October 11, after vomiting on our way to church, we decided to finally take "the test." At this point some of family and close friends behind my back already had "the knowing" so it wasn't a surprise to some of them but for Jared and I, our positive pregnancy test was a wonderful surprise.

Some of my favorite announcement moments;

On our way to having dinner with great friends of ours Claire and Jordan Griffin, Jared and I had decided to tell our parents that night that we were expecting. We hadn't said a word to a soul of our news. We were at the Griffins house a total of 15 min, I even poured myself a decoy glass of wine, when Claire looks me in the face and says "your pregnant aren't you."

On our way to my parents after dinner we stopped at the grocery store to find a balloon that says "baby." We get to my parents around 9pm and ring the door bell with our balloon awkwardly hid behind my back. My Dad comes to the door and we ask for Leslie to come down, "the THREE of us have something we want to talk about." My dad looked at me like we were crazy, he didn't get it, and went up stairs to tell Les we wanted to talk. We asked them to sit on the couch and we presented them with our baby balloon! Les said "Yay, I knew it!" She had even told her mom my Nana the week before about her suspicion of our pregnancy.

The very next day my friend Georgeanna texted me "I had a dream last night that you were pregnant."

The wonderful thing to me about these "announcements" is that the Lord was totally loving me in these moments. As we were surprised about our baby news He gave me assurance. I loved Him for that.

This Thanksgiving it is so very easy to be thankful. I'm full of gratitude. I have family that I love and am loved by and we are growing by the moment. I have friends that are provision to my soul and a presence of peace and grace that I could never put a price on.